How Much Pride Do You People Need, Anyway?

Let's talk for a minute about the spaces that separate people. Not the big hatreds and active animosities, but the smaller gaps in communication that exist.




Sometimes they're obvious, as when you're sitting in an airport idly listening to the chatter all around and vaguely aware that people nearby are speaking a language you don't understand. Oh, maybe you can get an inkling of what they're talking about by tone of voice or the fact that that little boy over there has just upended the carryon minutes before boarding and the woman you take to be Mom is just a little bit frayed around the edges by now. But basically you're aware that any systematic communication between you and Mom is out of the question. Simple matter really in this case and not one I think you'd worry about since from the get-go you knew you literally didn't speak each other's language.



Other times the gaps are hidden in plain sight. Stuck in the middle of what seems like normal social intercourse. You think you're actually on the same page when somebody makes a comment that absolutely crystallizes for you just how utterly uncomprehending at least one of you is.



Case in point:



I'm out at work. I don't jump up and down with a flashing sign on my neck but I do talk about my life outside of work without any more censorship than might be considered ordinary for a middle-aged man in early 21st century San Diego. As a result, my co-workers are all aware that they're working alongside (and apparently enjoying and respecting) a gay man. I sometimes wonder if they'd like to ask questions. They don't, but I wonder if they'd like to. Outside of the occasional "do you think he's gay - or just metrosexual?" I don't get asked much. But on the other hand I don't ask them a lot of questions about their lives either so I guess fair is fair.



Anyway, one day in April, the subject rolled around to vacation time and who was taking extra time off over the Memorial Day Weekend. (There was a little more urgency about it this particular year since we were expecting the FDA to visit just about that time and people were naturally concerned that even though they might have time off approved that it would be rescinded. Do ya make those nonrefundable plane reservations or not? You know the sort of thing.) So we're chirping away about who's going where and somebody says to me, "You're going to Chicago, aren't you?" I affirmed that that was indeed the current plan and the normal follow up question of "What are you going to do there?" came up. "Museums and the like", I say, "and it happens to be at the same time as Bear Pride but I probably won't have time for that."



Suddenly my cube farm neighbor pipes up, "Just how much pride do you people NEED, anyway?" My reply? "When you're living in a world that constantly devalues you, you need as much pride as you can get."



Now, this woman is actually quite loving. She is friendly, intelligent, a good solid liberal soul, and somebody I've worked around for months at this company and for even longer at another Biopharm up the road. She has a gay brother fer gawds sake. And yet.....she is so thoroughly a part of the majoritarian heterosexual world that it seems odd to her that I, and people like me, might actually need to seek out affirmation. Of course I had my own blinders on, too. The fact that I was actually somewhat startled by the question made me stop and think about some of my assumptions. Namely, that acceptance - for she truly is accepting of me - necessarily comes with understanding. It doesn't. That's not good or bad it just is.



But it bears remembering that making assumptions about what people do and don't understand can lead to stumbles. In this case it was something minor. But what other assumptions am I making that might cause REAL trouble another day?